When someone’s actions have me riled up

I often wonder what motivates people to do things that are painful for others and seem out of character, out of left field, behaviour we might label as irrational or incomprehensible. I can so easily make up stories about them, make them wrong, judge them as stupid or careless. Yet stopping, looking just below the surface, I can imagine what might be going on for them. Perhaps they’re feeling shame, when shame shows up, we can do extraordinary things, completely out of character. It can be infuriating the not knowing why they did what they did - the longing for understanding. Sometimes that is the worst part. The frustration, the confusion, dismay, anxiety, ruminating, why? why? - it can drive me crazy. I may never know the reason behind the behaviour of others. I can analyse and judge - maybe they’re traumatised, damaged, insensitive, lacking in awareness, sociopaths. I cannot know for sure. Perhaps I am longing for shared reality. I can waste a lot of time and energy thinking, making things up, none of which is actually beneficial. Alternatively, I can try to put myself in their shoes - by guessing what they might be feeling/needing. Once I discover a potential need that makes sense to me - I can feel some relief from the not knowing. By connecting to their unmet-needs it helps me to be able to develop more understanding and move towards accepting their actions, bringing shared reality, comfort, ease, rest. Instead of turmoil/confusion.